Update

As I touched down, I looked upon the drab green, brown shades of taupe and thought; well this isn’t what I was expecting. I don’t really know why I expected to see it. “It” being my city. The city where I experienced every emotion possible, every life possible, every thing. I wanted to see a city lit up and as colorful and as full of life and drive as New York. But I sulked back down into my chair with that realization. That realization that what I think of home is not where I will be going anymore.

“And how do you feel about this?”, I hear in my head as if I was giving my own therapy session.

I still have them. Intense urges. You know, those feelings that are so strong and sometimes debilitating,that you want everything back to what it once was. The ones where you can feel the exact breeze on your face, you can smell the stench, you can feel exactly how you felt being there. But. You aren’t, and it will never be the same.

It took me awhile to fully realize that. It actually takes me a sec to fully realize my emotions sometimes. Usually everyone else knows what is going on with me before I do. I was told by a friend that they think it’s because “I focus too much on what’s next, I don’t always realize what’s going on now”. I sat with that thought for awhile and agreed. I am constantly in a rush to just “get through” this moment or chore or what ever it is that I “scheduled” that I miss things. Mainly those dealing with me and emotions. I’m in a hurry to slow down.

That lead me to the “oh my gosh” moment. New York will never be the same nor will I be the same in it. For some reason it gives me comfort knowing that. I guess I feel like I’m missing out on something or someone(we all know who that is) and that I need to; I have to be there. There is no one there to take care of anymore. There is no one to bring that city to life like he did for me. And I’m actually ok with that. I type this and tears stream down my face but I actually am.

As guilty as I feel focusing on me and starting over, I am excited.

I’m not the same person I was even a month ago and am working hard to not be the same next month. I may have some bad days but actually mostly good. I’m not perfect and have stopped trying so hard to be(well working on that). I’ve started to stop punishing myself for what I consider a mistake. I am Marta Ann Dees Tanna. I’m a tough bitch with a soft heart a sharp tongue and ready to experience life again. Life the way he taught me to; the way I always wanted to.

A little worse a little better

Hey guys!!! So I had to close one of Ankur’s accounts yesterday. As soon as the guy said, ok ma’am anything else I can help you with today?, I started balling. ¬†It’s like it is so final. I then ran a red light!!! ¬†I don’t even drive through yellow lights!!! ¬†So that was a huge anxiety attack. I started the day off great. I went and had a wonderful workout, I got a bunch of business done, I got new allergy meds, I was feeling very accomplished by 3. Then I kind of spiraled. I tried to stay positive but ended up being kind of grumpy and snappy. I went through all the emotions yesterday. Like ALL of them. I guess I needed to because I woke up today feeling energized. I hope it carries on through the day. I’m going to the gym again, then get my hair back to normal, clean, study for the GRE, and cook for the family. Fingers crossed I don’t have another roller coaster day. Go seize the day people. Do at least one thing productive just for you.

The thing that made me alone

hey guys. I’ve had an overwhelming response to my blog and a lot more people and a lot of people I would have never guessed actually read it. First of all thanks! ¬†Second of all I’m sorry I’ve been gone. I’m a little drained but have had some good fun days with new friends and taking to my besties. One thing that has helped too is listening to my friends problems. ¬†The only bad thing about that is I’m worried I’m just ignoring my own and not fully coping, but I cant do that I just need to keep moving forward. my therapist and i got to talking about my guilt¬†of being happy sometimes and my loneliness. Most of what ¬†I’m about to say no one knows about at all and for those closest to Ankur it may be really hard to read so I don’t advise it for everyone. ¬†I’m trying to be honest but this is the short version of the start of his¬†¬†cancer. Continue reading

Ahhhhhhh

I’m exhausted. I’m literally drained and have absolutely nothing left in me. I can’t get my taxes done because no one will give me the stupid information in order for me to pay taxes on Ankurs stupid accounts. I asked him to take care of this stuff. He said I had nothing to worry about its all easy and it takes care of itself. He was wrong, very very wrong. ¬†Nothing about this is easy at all. ¬†I’m not going to write for a bit. I’m pissed and tired and want to just scream. And I did a lot actually at my therapists today I screamed and cried and beat a giant block with a bat. I feel if I type any more, nothing good will come out so hope everyone is having good weather and sun. Ttyl

Wedding Questionnaire

I’m kind of emotionally numb and have been on a bunch a allergy pills for this weird thing that took over my face. so I decided it would be a good time to share this. before we got married our Interfaith Minister had us privately full out this questionnaire. Funny enough he and I ended up writing just about the same thing. Especially where it says what do we love about eachother. Well I stumbled on his and thought I should share both of ours today. Enjoy.

My answers first his second

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Oh how I hate driving

i had to go to Tupelo today. Yeah….I forgot how much anxiety I get driving. I guess I’ve been so in my head lately that I haven’t even noticed, but I used to always get anxiety about driving. I thought I was actually over it and better but nope. All the trucks and crazy drivers scare the crap out of m Continue reading