Sleeping has not been a thing I have ever been too good at and now. Wow. It’s almost non-existent. So since I can’t sleep I shall write.
i watched a movie tonight. It took me quite awhile. It’s only and hour and fourty-five minutes long, but it probably took me 3 hours to watch. It’s called “You’re Not You”. It’s actually really good but, oh my, how close to home can you hit. Besides the cheating bc that was never even a thought or concept in my mind or our relationship, but the main points and the emotions were pretty spot on. There was a point where the caregiver said and I’m paraphrasing but she said “you are mad at me because I’m trying to save you and you want to die”. I know that feeling all too well. It’s like a realization of the most terrifying thing you have to face. And to know then that you are the only person who they trust to not let them suffer so much. You have to make the hard decisions and you have to deal with the people resenting you for them. But you know you love someone more than anything when you go it’s ok baby, I’ve got this. Because it’s not about you. It’s about them. You have to put your own feelings aside and just give them what they want. Because you are the only one who can be strong enough to do the things that no one else can or even wants to do. I mean no one wants to be that person. I know I didn’t. What I did want was to do just as he wished. You know even when no one could understand what he was trying to say, I could. We always understood each other in a way no one else in the world could. All we needed was a look. No words necessary. We have a love so pure and true that nothing could keep us apart. I say have a love because it will never fade. I know some people reading this will be like oh but you must move on. First FYI. I find that highly offensive. And second who are you to ask that when you have no idea. I read somewhere “Don’t expect everyone to understand your journey”. And I won’t but in the same respect, others shouldn’t expect a certain journey out of you.