Widow

Ok so let’s get this word over with, widow. You know the first time I heard this word I was in my new financial advisor’s office. We were filing out the standard “you must fill in all your private info bc we need it thing” on a giant computer screen that was on the wall. And then it happened. We came to the marriage status and he was like, widow. I was stunned. That was the one thing I didn’t think about. My husband and I talked about a lot when he was as sick but the term widow never came up. I did my usual, smile with clenched teeth, and finished the stupid “paper work”. We said our friendly goodbyes and once I hit the elevators I lost it. Widow, it sounds like such a weird word. Why do we even have to have a word for it?  To me, I’m still married and technically I am but really?!? widow?  Then it started coming up more often. So I went with it. It’s like, can we get this over with so you can get your same questions as everyone else out of the way and so I can try to act normal. Please. So sometimes I just say it before it’s weird but no matter how you do it, it’s ALWAYS weird.  You are treated differently, judged constantly but no “it’s ok bc of what you are going through something”. But it’s not. Everyone psychoanalizes you. I find it’s because they want to help but can’t. All that really comes out is judgement and the a lot of the most horrible advise you have ever heard.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT LIFE HAS BEEN LIKE AND WHAT IT IS LIKE NOW. LEAVE ME ALONE.  That’s all I want to scream at people but I shake my head yes and say my thank yous and force a smile. I smile because I don’t want anyone to worry.  It’s easier to smile than explain.  Mostly because I have no idea what’s going on in me.   My body is in defense mode or denial or everything all at once. I read writing is supposed to help when you have to “smile”. So here is something I wrote regarding the term “widow”.

I’m a widow
I cry suddenly
I laugh awkwardly

I’m a widow
I kind of hate everyone living
I want to punch the person who asks “what’s next”

I’m a widow
I smile on the outside
I freak out on the inside

I’m a widow
I lash out for no reason
I don’t know my own feelings

I’m a widow
I never know what to say
I ramble whatever comes to mind

I’m a widow

I didn’t choose to be one. It was chosen for me

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