Finding Love

Hello blog world!  I guess I have been using this first section to say random things, not saying that everything I type isn’t random. So today I’m going to put a general disclaimer.*** Don’t always assume I’m talking about you. None of this is about you it’s about me being honest and healing and , sorry to be so cliché, but becoming the “best me I can”. So just read. Don’t over analyze!***

I was thinking about past relationships and mine with him this morning. What made it work so well?  What was different?  Was it him?  Yes, it was him. Though what made us perfect was that we were the same for the most part.  The parts that one was “missing”, the other had. BUT what helped us STAY together was honesty. The only things that man ever hid from me were things like late bills or when we were invited somewhere and he didn’t want to go.  Of course I eventually found out the truth and would get mad, but I always understood why he did it.  Those things are small in the long run. It was the honesty about ourselves with each other. I have found that in past relationships, like most people, I would say I liked things when I didn’t or say I was one way or another.  I don’t know if it was that I was just so tired of the New York dating scene, or the random guys from my past that were just nuts and wouldn’t go away, but I was just always me with him.  And he loved me for it!!!!  Who knew?!?  Who knew you could just be fully open and honest and raw with someone and they wouldn’t run screaming?  It also helped that we are extremely goofy. For too long I had taken myself too seriously. I chalk that up to living in the south for so long. He gave me the confidence in myself that had been missing for so long.  Now, I have always been good at acting confident but acting and actually being are two very different things.  I’m so jelly of people who are naturally confident. I’m in utter awe of you. I had a teacher tell my mom that I was too confident in auditions. HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah, um, no. I would have anxiety attacks and vom and just kind of blackout once I hit the stage. My body would shake so hard, I couldn’t move. My theater professors would say that was just from my opera training but it really wasn’t.  When you are scared or upset, you body folds into itself.  So my feet were pressed in the ground and my arms as close to my body as I could get and still gesture.  Then as I would start to speak….blank.  I would go on autopilot.  Does that sound like a confident person to you?  I can sit in front of someone and have a conversation all the while feeling like I’m going to pass out and that I may have a heart attack, but look calm on the outside. Or I’m sure I just looked high-strung.  But with Ankur, it was different.  They say, and it’s completely true, that your true partner and friends are the ones that bring out the best you. I thought that was whatever advice until I met him and his friends. Now I do absolutly have some of the best friends in the world but I also had some of the worst. The ones that just use you and suck you dry. I realized then that I didn’t need them. I kept them around to be nice or not lonely or because I thought I had to keep them around.  That soon changed.  And with that, my life started to change too. I never realized how unhappy I always was until I met him. I found true happiness in life and love and myself. That’s a big thing. Now all that is gone right this second, but I know what it’s like so I have a goal.  We had been dating a very very short time when he thought I was asleep and he brushed my hair out of my face, kissed my forehead and said “I love you”. That was it, it was all over then. My heart body and soul had been taken over by this wonderful and amazing man. His friends tell me stories of the Ankur before me. The nasty sweatpants and stained shirts he used to wear in public. They thanked me for what “I did to him”.  My friends had similar stories of change in me.  Not the clothes, I would never wear that.  Mine were torn tights and black cotton halter dresses ;). But I didn’t do anything and neither did he. We both unknowingly gave each other the confidence to love ourselves because we just were.  No pressure.  If you find yourself constantly changing yourself to “fit in”,  maybe you should rethink the people with whom you surround yourself.  Find your love.

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One thought on “Finding Love

  1. You expressed perfectly the Ankur we all knew and loved. In this crazy world of pretending to be what you are not,he was always true to himself and did not pretend to be anything else. That was one of his greatest endearing qualities. Ofcourse the best was his endearing grin!😄
    Love your blogs. Hope they help in a very small way atleast, to salve your pain.
    Lots of love! 🌹

    Liked by 1 person

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