Today was an ok day. After a night of crying and no sleep, I was able to actually for the first time in forever, relax. It could be because I feel my body just breaking down after all the stress or that I’m away from everything. *Also note before you read my phone is doing crazy things and won’t put periods or correct text and insert things I can’t get rid of so bear with me.
I had a conversation with a friend recently about which is worse; waking up in the morning or going to bed. Everyone is different but for me the worst in the beginning it was waking up, now they both feed into each other. Waking up used to be a nightmare. When you first wake up in the morning no matter what kind of day it’s going to be, you kind of start out with a blank sheet of paper. Then the more your brain wakes up, you realize the reality of the day and start to fill that page. I always wake up forgetting he is gone. At first it was devastating, now it just hurts. A lot. And feels very lonely. Now on the flip side it’s because of that pain that makes it hard to go to sleep. To relive the loss of your whole world every morning is rather tiring. So why do it? Why not just stay up so you can’t fool yourself in thinking everything is ok. Also I have “what am I going to do now” running through my head constantly. I know, I know. I’m only 30, I have my whole life ahead of me. But I’m 30! Starting over is not easy and gets harder as the world demands higher education for non paying jobs. You have to have a masters from an Ivy League college these days just to get an internship. And I have to start from scratch again. You know No matter what I did, it was never good enough for anyone. I even went into a medical job with no experience at all and rocked it out but noooo still not good enough. I want my next step to be my last. Not my last chapter or the end of moving or growing, but as far as contentment in my career and with myself, hell yes. So yeah I don’t really know which is worse. But what I do know is that I’m going to try my hardest to make one if not both just a little better. It’s what he would want and as I said before, I just want to make him happy because that is what makes me happy. Find your happy place.