Easter Honesty

Thank goodness I’ve been around very little kids today. They are a refreshing distraction and honestly they don’t know what’s going on in my life and don’t care. Which is nice too. One of my major dreads in life is having to actually talk to people I haven’t seen yet. It’s like an anxiety attack because you get those looks and have to have the same conversation all over again, all the while trying to hold it together behind an uncomfortable smile.  You know all they want to do is hug you and you don’t actually want to be touched. I mean I want to see people and am usually a very huggy person but it’s the same every time.  I had to move very quickly, two weeks actually, and the amount of questions and everything that come with all of it is insane.  I love talking to certain people but outside of them, eh. I’d really rather not. A lady Ive know forever and love I went to see and she broke down. You often times end up consoling more than being consoled. The wake was a total nightmare for me with that. Not that I don’t want to be consoled buuuuut please please never baby me. If I need something I will let you know. It just makes me feel more awkward and more sad and actually angry.  Ask my friends and view the call list.  I try very hard to keep it together and it harder when you prod.

Speaking of angry I have a confession. I’m really hating Easter this year. Ankur and I have actually spent every Easter together since we met.  Every year he would get me candy and would watch a recorded Easter service with me when he woke. I like the sunrise services. The very first year we were even going to dye eggs. We never did but I still have the kit we picked out together. I saved it in hopes we would eventually do it but now it will just be in my keepsakes forever. I used to dye eggs with my little brother every year. The first year in NY I couldn’t get home but I called and spoke to him and he was so upset we couldn’t dye eggs.  He then asked if I could please be there next year for it. I said if I can I will be there. This is the first year home for Easter since. He is now 16 and could care less but that day, I will never forget. Ever since then Easter has always made me sad so he always tried to make it special. Now for the mad part. Let me say this. I am Christian.  I am actually religious. My husband grew up in a Hindu household but said he was Agnostic.  We both throughly respected each others views. I’m mad because this year Easter falls exactly two months after he left. So why can Jesus raise from the dead but Ankur can’t. Now ok I’m sure most of you are either like that’s crazy or he is living in heaven or he is around us. Honestly I get it but all I think is blah blah blah when people say that. I’m also having a hard time that he is cremated, which goes back to the hopes he will appear again.  No one I have known has been and I   have nightmares of him burning. Very serious nightmares.  That body went through so much pain and everything and it wasn’t done yet?!?  You are going to set it on fire?!?!?  I didn’t like it when the men moving the coffin were too rough. I guess I’m heading in to an “angry phase” of grief but I’m hating a lot of everyone and everything right now. I don’t want to be especially during such a sacred time but I can’t help it.  Whatever tomorrow brings, all I know is I will be surrounded by my 3 little brothers and family. So I guess I shouldn’t complain too much.  i wanted some nice sweet thing to end this blog but I don’t really have anything other than eat a Cadbury Eggs and hug someone. Happy Easter.

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