For those of you who don’t really know me, I HATE being angry. It hurts my feelings for some reason and makes me more mad. It can turn in to a vicious cycle. Obviously I’ve had a very rough few days. I’m mad. I’m mad at the world. I’m mad at everything and everyone. Which makes me mad at myself. Why can’t I just be happy? Well….because I’m going through the biggest thing in my entire life after years of exhausting myself trying to prevent it. I have to come to terms with that. No, i’m not going to be “normal”. Not for a little while at least. There is no amount of sleep or reading or crying I can do that will fix this. Only time. So I used that anger today. I got my butt in gear and I sent out emails and made appointments to start to get back control of my life.
We are the only ones who know ourselves fully. With that, sometimes you need to trick yourself in order to get things done. I know I’m stubborn. So I used my stubbornness to say, No! I’m done with this crap, I want my life back. I’m also highly independent so living back in my mom’s house might have something to do with it too. As much as my mom would have loved to help me more through the years, she knows I will fight if I feel like I’m not doing something on my own. Now I’m not too proud to ask for help. But I have to come to you. I have to know that I tried to do it first and found I couldn’t do it alone. I always have a plan. Sometimes my plan doesn’t work so I have to try another. You will never know what you are capable of if you don’t challenge yourself and just try. I guess what I’m saying is, when you are in a rut only you can bring yourself out of it. Even if it means turning your bad qualities into good ones that help you.