Yesterday was a good day actually. Only cried in the morning. I was doing some research on new career options and looking in to the medical field. I did everything for Ankur from changing his wound vac to giving him shots. I liked doing it. I liked helping him and I was is at good at it. What I’m coming to find is just because you are good at something doesn’t mean you should necessarily do it. I have always stayed away from the medical field because I get sympathy pains in my chest when I see someone hurting. With Ankur, I had so much adrenaline pumping through me, I never noticed it. That made me think I could do the same for others. As my mom pointed out though, he was my husband, it was different. Not saying that I couldnt but just looking at a list of job opportunities made me cry. A lot. That made me more sad. All I want to do is help people. All I’ve ever wanted to do is help people and I promised Ankur that, that is what I’m going to do. I went to my first meeting. It was with the Chief of Communications for the University of Mississippi. He is a good family friend and a huge fan of Ankur’s. He and Ankur spoke a lot at my mom’s birthday. We talked about what he does and has done in the past. I feel he will be an amazing mentor to keep around. He said first find what you are passionate about, what makes you excited. The money will come no matter what because people will see that passion and excitement. You will then be known for it so you will work your way up. Most people go in to jobs for the money. I have always had a hard time with that. I’d rather be happy and have a happy home life than miserable with money. I work hard. Maybe too hard sometimes but I like to work, if I like the job. This is actually the first time I have been without a job in 8 years. Though I could have one right now, I need a break. The last time was for about a month when I moved to New York. Probably less though. Maybe two weeks anyways. I got offered two jobs right away. One was to work at Water Works as a designer assistant on fast track to become a designer. I had 5 years of experience working in an interior design store. The other was a hostess at, little did I know at that time, one of the best and busiest restaurants in NYC. The designer job world have been more money but I would be on call all day and night. It would have become my life and I didn’t move New York to work as a designer. At the time I still wanted to be on the stage. I had never worked in restaurants before in my life but they took one look at me and said come back in two hours for training. And so I did and I will NEVER regret it. That job was the hardest most demanding job I have ever had to this day and I miss it everyday. He was right though. When it came time for a raise they usually would give a dollar. I got a two dollar raise 6 months into working there because of my enthusiasm and work ethic. I also got gift certificates and wine and lots of other things for being the hostess of the week and month. I loved the job and it showed. Another thing he said was helping people is actually a broader term than you think. Everyone helps someone with what they do. He gave me a lot to think about. He told me to continue what I was doing and to come back when I had my passions narrowed down. He said not to push it, the subconscious brain understands what the conscious doesn’t. So don’t force it or it will never come. I still have more meetings this week with other people so let’s see where they take me. Honestly I hate doing all of this with all my heart but I can also feel Ankur watching me and being proud that I am making myself. He always said I was too good to be working as hard as I did for what I was making. He said I am talented so I need to use those talents better. I know I will be proud at some point but for now just knowing he is helps. Find your passion.