Just Breathe

So after my rant last night and a nice talk with my mom this morning, I’ve calmed down. I’m extremely sensitive right now and am taking things very personally.  I need to work on that. One thing is im tired of not being “me”. I know it’s going to take therapy and time but I’m exhausted of not being able to be me and there is this person who has come out the in the past few years from all the stress.  It’s not me. I haven’t been able to be me in several years. This person is so emotionally exhausting. most of the time I’m wound so tight I’m literally shaking. I had two really good days. I had some amazing meetings at the University that really got me excited for the first time in forever about something. I’m honestly excited to go back to school and once it’s official I will let you know my plan. It’s a pretty good one I think and I know for a fact it would make Ankur happy. It’s not what I had thought about before but it’s close.  I will say I found out the University has contracts with St. Jude and Le Bonheur hospitals for one of the masters, I’m going to get two, and working with those kids is going to be sooo exciting for me.  I also got to tour the marijuana labs, the medicinal green house, and got to spend time with my bestie Jes her, girlfriend and another friend from HS John. All that in two days was pretty awesome. Of course I just can’t have too much of a good time because today was horrible and so was last night but it’s better than never having a good day which was what was happening. I spent my childhood hiding my problems and any bad thing from my mom. I always wanted to be the perfect child. I came close too. My mom worked so hard to go to school and take care of my sister and me. My sister and her were always fighting so I figured if I was perfect, that was one less thing to make her to worry or stress. Now that I’m like this, it’s like all that hard work has gone down the drain.  All I cause now is stress and worry.  I wish I could just hide in my room and “ride this out” but I know that’s not possible. It may seem less of an embarrassing way but nothing will ever change if I do that. I want myself back and am going to try to humble myself and get help to do the work that is going to take to get me back. Not every day is going to be good but that doesn’t mean every day will be bad either. I have to just breathe and accept the bad days. The more I try to act normal the worse the bad days become and I’m too tired for it.  Thank goodness for family, friends, and some good days.

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