As I touched down, I looked upon the drab green, brown shades of taupe and thought; well this isn’t what I was expecting. I don’t really know why I expected to see it. “It” being my city. The city where I experienced every emotion possible, every life possible, every thing. I wanted to see a city lit up and as colorful and as full of life and drive as New York. But I sulked back down into my chair with that realization. That realization that what I think of home is not where I will be going anymore.
“And how do you feel about this?”, I hear in my head as if I was giving my own therapy session.
I still have them. Intense urges. You know, those feelings that are so strong and sometimes debilitating,that you want everything back to what it once was. The ones where you can feel the exact breeze on your face, you can smell the stench, you can feel exactly how you felt being there. But. You aren’t, and it will never be the same.
It took me awhile to fully realize that. It actually takes me a sec to fully realize my emotions sometimes. Usually everyone else knows what is going on with me before I do. I was told by a friend that they think it’s because “I focus too much on what’s next, I don’t always realize what’s going on now”. I sat with that thought for awhile and agreed. I am constantly in a rush to just “get through” this moment or chore or what ever it is that I “scheduled” that I miss things. Mainly those dealing with me and emotions. I’m in a hurry to slow down.
That lead me to the “oh my gosh” moment. New York will never be the same nor will I be the same in it. For some reason it gives me comfort knowing that. I guess I feel like I’m missing out on something or someone(we all know who that is) and that I need to; I have to be there. There is no one there to take care of anymore. There is no one to bring that city to life like he did for me. And I’m actually ok with that. I type this and tears stream down my face but I actually am.
As guilty as I feel focusing on me and starting over, I am excited.
I’m not the same person I was even a month ago and am working hard to not be the same next month. I may have some bad days but actually mostly good. I’m not perfect and have stopped trying so hard to be(well working on that). I’ve started to stop punishing myself for what I consider a mistake. I am Marta Ann Dees Tanna. I’m a tough bitch with a soft heart a sharp tongue and ready to experience life again. Life the way he taught me to; the way I always wanted to.